Understanding Women Lesson 101

I have heard it so many times that Men do not understand Women. They discuss it with their friends, get exasperated, put up some silly defense against it but fail against the mighty mystery that women are. There are some who try to gather some field data from female friends, the so called "Academic" facts but alas, if only this was sufficient. It is obviously inadequate. Yet, for the benefit of few or many here are some interesting Did you know variety facts for academic purpose.

• Women Do not like to be compared to other women, even if the name you mouth is a celebrity. Just do not bother comparing us. I am pretty sure this is not the day or age where you can compare us to "the birds, the bees, the petals, the pollen or what not." We may think you look a little like some cute celebrity but we like you even minus the Audi they drive. So just remember do not compare us. Especially do not compare our efforts to anyone else. If we say we don't like driving we mean it, even if your favorite blonde bimbo loves zapping around in her cute yellow Beatle, we don't. We would rather like if you made sure we had a chauffeur driven car.
• If we call you every day, even to ask whether you have had your dinner, it means we care about you. Even if you don't lust after us like your favorite red haired neighbor, we wouldn't mind two nice words and some thoughtfulness.
• If we buy you anything nice, accept it with grace and don't call us names for making the effort. Instead take it as a very elaborate hint that we like you & we want to find out whether you like us back. If you do, make an effort, gift us something nice, not necessarily expensive. If you do gift us something out of courtesy don't remind us every opportunity you get that the gift was really an obligation fulfillment. We are not like you. We get it that you don't like us. But we are too decent probably to show you the door.
• If ask you to make time for us, we do not think we own you. We feel that we may have gained a tiny bit of right on your time. Please don't make such a big deal about having 12 hour long meetings and bad work weeks, we also work and there are pressures in our profession too.
• If you make an effort and are nice to us for change and we appreciate it, please don't immediately make excuses to prove that the effort was no big deal and the formality of thank you is not necessary. When we say we liked what you did, you can at least smile back and say"My pleasure."
• If we agree to spend some time alone with you, it means we trust you. Please don't try putting moves on us even if they are really good. We like you already, don't try so hard. Just make us feel comfortable and you will find you can relax too.
• When you know we like you or are falling for you tell us that you are engaged, or married, in case we were not paranoid enough to ask you. Forgetting to tell a woman that you are already with someone else, and leading her on is pretty up there, with psychotic behavior and repressed personality disorders.In short it is weird.
• If you have us as friends, be thankful that you have someone who understands you even though you don't believe it is possible.

Hope that was helpful. Basic premise of writing this is that Men actually care enough to bother understanding women.

DIY Nail Art

I have been reading up on Nail arts the DIY variety and although all of it looks terribly easy, it ain't. But just for fun I did some of my own, first I started with something really simple. Here it is. This is basically reverse french manicure. In french Manicure the entire nail is done in transparent gloss and the edges of the nail are done in french manicure colors, which are usually, yellow, coral, white etc. In reverse French Manicure I have use a sheer shade of Gold and the nail edge is done with a darker color which is Purple. This purple is with glitter, although you can mix it up and use any other color. The reason I went for Gold and Purple because not all colors go with GOLD. For eg: if you want to use Silver you can use colors which go well with silver. This works for square tipped nails.

• What you Need?

1. Nail base
2. Nail colors - 2
3. Cotton Tipped Bud ( You can use cotton wrapped around the back of your make up brush too)
4. Polish Remover

Apply the Nail Base Coat. Paint with the First color, add coats necessary to get the correct shade, I apply 2 coats usually, sometimes for lighter colors use 3. Let the coats dry out before applying the next. Using the Cotton tipped bud dipped in Polish remover to clean the tips of the nails of the Polish you have applied. You don't need to be too careful, just remove enough so that it is mostly clean. Now apply the second color like you would do for French Manicure. If you haven't done french Manicure, check the Picture it will give you an idea. I made a mess on some nails where I had excess polish on the brush. Once this dries out completely, use a good top coat. You can use a glitter top coat if you want. If you want to add some bling put stone Bindis (the small ones) before the Top coat dries out.

This is the easiest I could think of.

Note: It may seem that doing the right hand with left hand is tough but trust me I found it was easy if you twisted and moved your fingers so that the brush stays still.

I read somewhere...

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

Cute Brownie

During my visit to the doctor's House I met "Brownie", he is the most docile pet I have seen. Normally, one wouldn't expect this breed of Dog to be so docile, in fact he was barking at the rest of the people, but he didn't bark at me, just sniffed around my toes, and feet. When I went into the waiting room, he came and sat near me, looking at me. He looked expectantly at me, I figured he wanted a bit of attention. So, when I scratched his neck he rested his head on my lap and looked at me. He was so content and happy.

But after sometime he seemed to get bored and went and sat in the balcony, he would look at me from the balcony a few times. He came to me after sometime again. This time he nearly swallowed my phone when I tried to click his photo.


I was very tensed about something when I was visiting the doctor's chamber, but spending the little bit of time with Brownie, I felt better.


Pets can be such a relief sometimes.I wish I had a pet.

Comparisons

My parents are one of those every different breed of folks who seem to think that I have turned out alright, but say that I haven't to every one else. I meet parents who gush tonnes about their sons and daughters. Here are MY folks who think all my friends are SO MUCH more civilized and better than me [Which they genuinely are]. I appreciate that my parents have never made a big deal about any of their achievements or mine. Everything was considered as a result of the effort which one puts into the task
 I don't blame them, or anything, they have been brought up in a very austere manner, so have I been, with no over the top display of any kind emotions or wealth.
I do ask them sometimes why they have never ever said one word of praise in front of anyone, they just smile, and I know that had they done this, I would positively not have appreciated the real pride they feel in me. Sometimes praise can make us complacent. I never like being compared to others, because as an individual I am different, my decisions and opinions are different, so is my personality, so expecting me to be like someone else is ridiculous. Comparing salaries,. marks, material assets none of these make any sense to me. I am probably one of those pseudo-saint like people who everyone hates. May be I have no cut throat ambition, or I am just plain unambitious and lazy, not to forget complacent about my position in life.

But this post is probably not about that. This post is because I dislike being compared to people even if they were "brilliant supernova's", but what I hate the most is when I am being compared to FMLS's.

Snippet of conversation:

CF: Why don't you buy a car? That would solve your problem.
Me: I don't have a garage for two cars. [I already have a Family Car].
CF: You could keep it outside.
Me. I don't feel Comfortable. And more over the problem of the Driver remains whether I have one or ten cars.
CF: Come on it's not big deal you can drive a car, look even FMLS drives one. Can't you. It's no Rocket Science.
Me: stunned, hurt, silent. Well her driving is not worth mentioning. I kept my hand on the seat belt buckle jsut in case we crashed, I would need to release and survive the crash. And God she keeps switching off the damn AC [lame one, I know.]
CF: If she can drive you can too.
Me: I have too much temper I can't drive. You need to have a calm patient mind to do that.
End of Conversation


I don't know why I should have to buy a car or drive one just because a lame FMLS drives one, she has no choice living in a god forsaken place miles away from her workplace, I live with my folks and have my family car. It isn't logical to have another car [period].

For all the smartness & logic, people can make silly comparisons.

All the Mush: One

All the mush where does is come from?

I often wonder, there must be a reason we have all these images in our head which keep popping up at all the wrong time.We have been fed on a steady diet of romantic fairy tales, Cartoons, Children's Movie, Hollywood Romantic Comedies, Sugary sweet Hindi Romantic Blockbusters,Romantic Poets who died and wrote pages of poetry for their unrequited love, and then some more.

Imagine a scene, girl meets boy, they go out for a long drive, the Radio starts playing that romantic song, and all the boy does is drive and keep his hand on the Steering Wheel, and eyes focused on the road. They get back to the city, boy drops off girl in front of her house, and leans in expectantly and she just waves bye and walks away.

Boy: "she doesn't love me, hell she didn't even look at me. I think she hates me, she couldn't wait to get out of the car."
Girl: "he doesn't love me, hell he doesn't even look at me. I think he hates me, he didn't even want to kiss me, he couldn't wait to end the drive."


And who do you blame for the misunderstanding? The foolish DJ who decided to play the Track.

Pranky Pranks' Quirky Quirks

A nickname like Pranky makes you wonder about how sensible, logical, and matured the person can be, and most often than not very much like the nickname, the person is found playing some tricks on you. But for some reason you still adore her, and for all her quirks in character you may not like her, but you sure as hell cannot ignore her. That's Pranks for you.[That's the kind of Testimonial people should write.]

• Blingy Bling and FASHION demon - The craziest colors and the wildest accessories are overflowing the closet, the drawers and the space under the bed. So there is the wild flower wedges, the Neon pink and purple sun glasses, the peacock earrings, all the stuff you would not be caught dead in.

• Narcissist in trial room - All the clothes you try, you got to check it out how they look when photographed.If you ain't looking smashing you shouldn't be buying.

• Incorrigible space invader - Just doesn't realize where she ends and they begin, terrible with personal space, always seems to be clinging onto people's hands, bags, worse case scenario, trouser loops for belt. Hugs unsuspecting people sometimes on the middle of the road blocking up the pedestrian traffic.

• Repeater - Some words in a sentence are so nice that they need to be repeated twice for they sound so lovely as they roll off the tongue. I like shopping shopping a lot.

• Decibel Queen - Screeches, screams, meows, barks, can sound like a Banshee and rip your ear drums when having fits of emotional out burst - not necessarily negative emotions.

• Eyelash Flutter-er -When ever there is something that she wants to be done, there is the round eyes, and the eyelash flutter added with the pouty face, and who can refuse that? 

• Secret Santa's elf - will pick up the craziest gifts and send them to you just when you thought you were safe and pretty much embarrass you. FYI, loves gifts, be it a bar of chocolate, a book or a trinket. If you made the effort to go and select something for her and gifted it, she's happy. However, can never appreciate being given money or gift voucher to redeem, or having her purchases paid for.

• Hopeless Romantic - Loves the mush, can't get enough of the mush, thinks the boy who plays the guitar and sings (sometimes), is sooo cute!!! So the Notting Hill, My Best Friend's Wedding and Alladin still make her cry copious tears including desi KKHH and DTPH. 

• Non Specific Music lover - Loves her Justin Bieber and Rihanna, but also doesn't mind the occasional Katy Perry and Lady Gaga, add to it a decent sprinkling of Munni, Sheila, Jalebi Bai and the rest of boy bands, Bryan Adams, may be a drop of Divine Comedy.

More Quirks coming up later.

[This post is "post" all the concentrated Bitchiness to show that one can laugh and be critical of oneself.]

Gossip Girl: The Latent Lesbian Aura (Note)

There could not have been many people out there who have been subjected to the distasteful experience of being 'felt up' by the same Gender. Although the being 'felt up' in public transport is pretty common experience with us in this country.
Imagine the horror of being subjected to the same only in a High Gloss Spa.

Imagine that you have relaxed your mind and body to the soothing jazz of Kenny G's Saxophone, with the incense burning and the therapists dexterous palms working their magic.You are asked to walk to the steam room to let the oil seep into your skin pores and make your skin healthier and apparently glow like that picture in the reception. Of course, you don't say no. You imagine in your self delusion that sharing the steam room with your Girlfriend makes a lot of sense, as then you can chit chat and have the girly banter.There you sit perched on the stone bench wrapped in yards of Towel which are very White, creepily so, but you like being pampered and wrapped and cocooned in the white fluffiness. As the steam fills up the room, you feel drowsy, and you eyes get foggy, and you start wondering why something like this can't be done every month, and that you will recommend everyone to come and experience this. You are rudely jolted out of your thought when you feel a hand rubbing your shoulders and arms and try and figure out what this means. But you have this creepy feeling which moves down your spine and suddenly the steam seems too uncomfortable and you wish you can see the face that goes with the hand, because you are not sure why the 'special' treatment is being given to you.

You are saved by the buzzer, when the timer goes off, and the Spa Therapist comes and releases you. You walk to the shower, wondering what just happens and spend the next 10 minutes soaping the arm and shoulders to get rid of the weird feeling.

Girlfriends can turn out to creeps too if you are not careful.

Gossip Girl: Byte of some Hot Stuff

So, now that this is going to be a fairly regular event where I spill some fictitious beans about some fictitious folks, I figured a "Naming Ceremony" was in the order, I usually name the characters as they pop up into the story, but I must say credit for the most innovative name is still due. FMLS is not my brain poop!

Yes, you heard it right. FMLS was named so one late night over an insane conversation that covered trips to Bangkok and Thailand ( no pun intended at all). But this is a dubious business of bitchiness, and I don't want to drag the brain behind the name out in the open, because he deserves his own Hall of Fame for his Humor  But acknowledgments are due, so, for naming FMLS all my heartfelt gratitude to the one and only My CF.[F stands for Friend and C, well use your imagination.]

I am pretty sure everyone has read about the Nobel winning Pavlov experiment, with "salivating" Dog and the bell. If you haven't here's a link to refresh your memory. Pavlov's Drooling DOG

Think Pavlov's experiment and then replace the DOG with a CAT, what do you get?


Conditioned to wake up at 2 AM.

Let me explain, there was this couple, in a very healthy satisfying relationship, blissful in their new found lust -- oops I mean Love, and so they spent every waking hour, being romantic, romancing the Sun and the moon, in April and June, rhyming like crazy and humming songs long forgotten, being mushy and sweet, jumping on the wedding bandwagon and landing in their "Camp Cot" bed.

Today's technology let's us get in touch with people at the touch of a button, also ruin their night's sleep with un-necessary horror bulletins of when and how some marriages are consummated. One feels like a fly on the wall in the furnace pit like room, avoiding letting my thousand (mind's) eye catch a glimpse of the horror. The thought of the text message remaining on the memory of a handset is similar to the feeling of the handset being violated by really dirty hands which have been to all the wrong places.

On a different note this festive season i will sprinkle some Ganga Jal on the said handset, it needs some piousness post the horrors it has undergone.

So the camp cot stories inflicted my sensibilities and then one sexy evening when I was blissfully biting into some cinnamon buns and sipping the mildly diluted coffee, the truth about Desi- Pavlov dawned upon me. He had done what some would probably give one limb or kidney for, he had trained the Mrs, to wake up at 2 AM, ready for as I mentioned earlier romancing the sun and the moon, in april and in june, and some more of Pablo Neruda's Love Sonnet. [FYI, I like the poetry the couple in question do not know, Neftalí Ricardo Reyes Basoalto existed.

My CF never realized how near to the absolute truth he was when he did his "I am such a Devil laugh" at his own "sense of humor" over the Pavlov-Cat Experiment.

P.S: CF dear, if you are reading this, let's not talk about it, because My phone can take only 'so' much of --- you know what stuff.

Gossip Girl - The Story about FMLS & DWS

When we again meet FMLS we find her desperately seeking a mate who she says must understand her dreams which are to fly as high as possible, and not expect her to take care of the family and everyday chores of the house. She is a high flying career woman and no way is she going to stop travelling 15 days a month to roost back at home over her "eggs". So weekend after weekend there is a constant stream of eligible bachelors who walk in and out of the bistro at the corner of "No actual place names" and "this is fiction, remember?"

Finally she is almost ready to give up, calling marriage a sham by which all men want to dominate all women, the pseudo feminism statements get higher pitched in decibel as more and more sane men refuse to marry her. Then comes the most poignant moment of truth, she shouts out to the world, marriage is legalized prostitution. I am positive no one has heard her yet. Because I am sure they would find it hard not to mention the 'unmentionable' fact that her parents are in fact 'married'.

One fine morning she invites all her friends to the auspicious occasion of her marriage, so when everyone asks about her fiance, we get versions. I got, the "HE is a Manager in Biiiiiig MNC and currently in US", another one got the "HE is a Doctor based in UK."

And then she shoots all of us another memo, to cancel the wedding dates, apparently the wedding is off.

By this time I am positive that the gentlemen in question must have realized his folly in saying yes and made for the north pole as soon as he got an inkling of the true nature of Ms. FMLS.

But lo and behold, the next surprise is her engagement, which happens in the most hush hush manner possible. Strangely the Groom apparently has changed in the ensuing confusion from "Shahrukhr" he has become "Abhishek" and from being a Manager in a Biiiiiiig MNC he is now a small time techie in some arbit IT company, fresh out from a Distance learning course and yet to smell the air of UK or US.

For our convenience we shall call him Dehati-Wannabe-SHHtud, a.k.a DWS.

Let's talk about some of the very important events in the life of Mr. & Mrs, SHHtud. They meet and decide to go for a photo shoot in front of a green screen, preening, into the camera, at the weirdest possible angles, and wearing, the craziest outfit of suit that sparkles, and sari that is so see-through that you can count the number of hair on her. So they pose like those 70's portraits done for the family album in black white. Interestingly the colors dazzle your eyeballs and you wonder why are there so many really bad colors in the world, and for some reason they are all on the clothes of these two.

The engagement is a another 'view in slideshow mode' occasion, where no friends are invited from the brides side, where they are both so busy showing of their Rings. And my my what beautiful rings they were. The gold seemed copper like, and the diamonds like pretty white zircons.The bitching session in this lies in the fact that the writer owns a better diamond ring than that engagement ring. Okay okay I know that was out of line, but hello, given that FMLS shops from Prada, Gucci, D&G a better ring she did deserve.

All's well that ends well, but in between there is the entire melodramatic episode of the secret marriage in the city hall. Why on earth would you want to do that in an "arranged marriage"? One is left wondering.

The entire time that all this is happening, the biggest shock was still lurking across the threshold and in the dark recess. Just then a common friend visited the lady in question, and did she come back with horror stories? The Gucci's and Prada's were hogwash. The wine was a cheap medicinal version, the apartment which was oh so grand happened to be somewhere near a slum, a tiny cubby hole pretending just like her to be an apartment, with no ventilation, no heating, no cooling, no running water..... you get the picture?

Madam lived out of suitcases full of the oddest clothes, the saris were far from designer house, they turned out to be from the local whole seller, with the tackiest of accessories from the flea market where your local vendor picks up shoes, perfumes,costume jewelry etc by weight, yes, that's what I am talking about. The living conditions of the said place was worse than anything you can imagine for a High Flying Career woman. No wonder she refused to do any household work, because she just can't. So says my friend after an excruciatingly painful stay, almost eaten by bugs & rodents.

One by one all the masks that FMLS wore dropped off, and slowly everyone around her figured out that she was just a wannbe who really didn't have a great job or a great life. All the high flying was on Company money, which sadly disappeared, because her Boss realized that she had out grown her usefulness. But the good thing is she found her soul mate in Mr. DWS, a similar wannabe soul who was going through life not realizing the potential of a cheap Digital Camera,a few trips to the local Mall & some light reading of Fashion Mags when waiting for a service at a beauty parlour- yes please read as written, this is not a salon'.

But the one lesson that I learnt from this is not to take any face book profile to be the real life mirror of a person, because like it or not we all love to put up a show.

Gossip Girl - The Story about FMLS.

We all have our share of gossips and bitching but you wouldn't believe me if I told you that it's actually more fun to bitch to a boy than a girl. Yes, you heard it right. Okay, so it happens that one of my friend posted on her blog about this irritating friend of her's, that kind of jolted my mind into all the gossip I have been picking up off and on from various sources over the years and more recently with the major gossip mongering I have been doing with this Boy who has the most interesting insights into human behavior & psychology. Although I still plan to write a book someday, this I think can be a fairly good practice session.

In all good faith I can vouch that when I turned 27 I came upon this realization that there are two kinds of people in this world "interesting" and "entertaining". I have met quite a few of both kinds, and heard about some more. Usually the interesting folks over time become entertaining but the opposite is not always true. So here comes a series about a few such entertaining folks I have come to know.

Disclaimer: All character are very much Fictitious. But if you find any similarity with someone you know, that's because common human traits. Nothing else. I swear.

In this story there is a girl whom we shall refer to as the 'Flea market lingerie shopper', FMLS for convenience.

So, I met FMLS during one of those trips outside the city, when my return flight got delayed and I was reading a book to keep myself from falling asleep sitting in the airport lounge. We started talking over the book I was reading, and then we decided to exchange seats so we could sit together. Like all techno savvy people. she popped out her blackberry and asked me whether she can add me on fb, which was fine with me. She added me and expectantly looked at me to do the needful which is add her back, when I fished out my poor non-blackberry QWERTY she arched her eyebrow and said that everybody who worked in corporate should use a blackberry. The first of many such 'should' she would dispense me. Next came the Corporate visiting card. I never carry mine, because wherever I go I think introducing myself is quite enough. Anyways, so out came the visiting card, and started the stories about the world tours she had gone on. But wait I am just talking about the first meeting. This same lady has been in touch with me for a very long time. Let me tell you the more interesting and entertaining conversations.

So she travels the world, and shops at all the hottest shopping destinations, and actually informs me of the discount sale in stores that do not have a branch in India. Can you beat that? I tried reminding her the first two times, and the response was more condescending and pretentious than the actual message.

This should a good time to explain why we are calling her FMLS, that's because I find her wearing the same lingerie all the time, pray don't ask me how, I just do. And she also happened to mention a particularly shady shopping district in S.E. Asia known for its flea market.

For a high flying corporate honcho she doesn't ever seem to have change just when she has to pick up a pack of smoke, she promises to return the amount you spend on an outing, saying she will pick up cash on the way back but I still haven't got back about 5 grands.

She is a self professed wine and whiskey enthusiast yet she has no clue what food White and Red wine should be accompanied by to top it all she didn't know how to spell Sangria, after I introduced her to the wine based cocktail. Her fb posts about all her trips include pictures where she is preening like a model on some shoot wearing unimaginably trashy clothes, which leaves me and the rest of friend list wondering where Does She SHOP?

There is a frightful lack of personal space with her, you never know when she will jump on you giving you a hug which probably will snap your spine into two or more pieces. Also if I may add, being the straight woman that I am, sometimes her presence really gives off a terribly 'latent lesbian' aura. And no I am absolutely comfortable with other people's sexual identity yet I would prefer if they didn't assume mine.

Her updates on fb are a treat, if you want an example of completely messed up grammar, spelling and meaning of words then you should read her posts. I actually have to read them a few times before commenting so that I get what she is actually trying to say instead of something completely lunatic.

She has embarrassed me a number of times online with her really weird posts on my wall and comments on my posts, I mean I have actually had some folks call me up on International call to ask what is it that she means with certain posts about certain things. The boys on friend list I think laugh the most with some of her completely silly comments, doesn't help the whole dumb blonde image that she has unfortunately developed.

It's so crazy that she happens to be the brand manager of a fairly good company, I just wonder when is her boss going to call her and pull her up for really terrible sense of dressing and I keep wondering how her clients understand her mails and presentations when she doesn't know the difference between 'quiet' and 'quite'? But one also remembers in these moments that English is not the Most widely spoken language.

So she struts her stuff, drinks, shoots from the mouth and leaves, and every time I meet her I thank my lucky stars that I have not become who she is. She lacks taste, culture,finesse, just about everything one should pick up on your way to the top and not just a fat paycheck. I am sure she has her heart in the right place, but I am positive that she needs psychological help, because her competitive streak with poor old me is just naturally stupid. I am no competition to anyone, yet she lies, she manipulates, she brags, she admonishes me on my choices and even tried to give me relationship advice. Either she thinks I am dumb which is fine, or she imagines she is my fairy god mother hoping to turn the pumpkin into the beautiful carriage. Either ways she's way to entertaining to me summed up in a blog post. Someday she will be a longish chapter in my book till then here's to my Flea Market Lingerie Shopper.

I still love her dearly !!! because her complete 'tasteless' (sic) existence makes me smile even in absolute despair :)