I am craving you and you have no clue. That is such a pathetic rhyme. All my life I have chased after the rainbow. This Rainbow of my dreams doesn't exist in real life. Actually it isn't even a rainbow for that matter. Rainbow is only a metaphor for the man I am searching for so long. It is not that I haven't met any nice men in my life, but somewhere in my head there is a circuit that is stuck on Best Friend for life. I seem to be searching for a friend for life to become my life partner. That is a heavy task. The expectation is huge and may not be met ever.
But like all things clinical this is something neither can I control nor change. My desires are constantly tossed and turned. It is as if everytime I meet someone and like someone, I am simply opening uo the gates for a major mind fuck. It is true, I like being tortured emotionally. Don't be under the impression that any of the people in question are even aware of the torture that is inflicted upon me. That is my own doing.
This craving for the man I happened to ignore for the better part of last 4 months is unmistakenly my way of having my mind fucked. It is ludicrous. I am sitting here at my desk tilting the screen of my monitor at an angle so that I can see his neckless head bobbing up and down behind the partitions. Why? There is no answer to that question. I am just looking for my addictive “mind fuck”. I liked him as a person with my mind having screwed itself up into a knot over the diff in age between us, and then cracking comes down the whip of fate and a new fact imerges. He is as old as me. So, am not a paedophile. How is that helpful. I have given him the impression that he is someone younger to me...
Now I cannot find a reason to come across him and simply tell him that we are the same age. How do I do that? My heart is somersaulting and I can't pullit off, the simple non chalant attitude.
I am as always fucked.
I am such a screw up that I steal photos from your phone and transfer them to my own, to see you when you are not infront. This has not helped me... I have grown more distraught. My head is totally messed up and beyond repairs.
No one can save me now. It is obvious that my life will always be this roller coaster ride of emotions. I am a fool and remain so with pride. I can never be happy because I just so fucking love to be sad and miserbale.
I see someone speaking to you and all of a sudden jealousy permeates my skin and I get angry, when you don't tell me that you are leaving early I feel upset. This is not happening to me. I try to avoid looking at you talking to oyu. I think I will stop taking the bus. But what will that achieve nothing....
You probbaly care about someone else... Would that matter anymore...
Nothing makes sense anymore...
Nothing.
May be this time I should be the un requitted lover without making my feelings public.
“DON'T LET SOMEONE BECOME A PRIORITY IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU'RE JUST AN OPTION IN THEIRS.”
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
6th Feb 2009: Looking Back
Looking back at life is like flicking through the dusty pages of a diary where you
wrote down thoughts and emotions when they were important to you. Now that you read
them, you only feel a slight sense of sadness, a touch of nostaligia, at how foolish
and naive you were. Looking back today all i can see is a life that has been lived not
with fear, nor with remorse, and definitely without perfection.
This Imperfect life had taught so many lessons and so much yet to learn, it is
beautiful to know that life survives everything, all the ups and downs, the peaks and
the valleys. It feels strangely like an out of the body experience when you look back
at a year in your life.
Here's to knowing life brings new meaning every day, there is so much more awaiting,
here's to finding the rainbow and touching the horizon.
<<>>
wrote down thoughts and emotions when they were important to you. Now that you read
them, you only feel a slight sense of sadness, a touch of nostaligia, at how foolish
and naive you were. Looking back today all i can see is a life that has been lived not
with fear, nor with remorse, and definitely without perfection.
This Imperfect life had taught so many lessons and so much yet to learn, it is
beautiful to know that life survives everything, all the ups and downs, the peaks and
the valleys. It feels strangely like an out of the body experience when you look back
at a year in your life.
Here's to knowing life brings new meaning every day, there is so much more awaiting,
here's to finding the rainbow and touching the horizon.
<<>>
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
02/03/0904:10:17 PM
WHO?
A shadow runs just outside the line of sight. When I try to concentrate and catch a glimpse of it, it doesn't fleet, stays still. I try to guess the shape of the shadow. The shadow reminds me of someone, and I wonder if I am making a mistake. I ask myself time and again whether my mind is playing tricks on me. The answer is a resounding NO. I see you everywhere, whenever I forget to look for the shadow, I see you. It is not as if the shadow is hiding from me but it is there beside me walking with me. I know it is a surprise that you should cros my thoughts so many times. Someone who I didn't know even a few days. What does this mean? I am nt sure.
I saw yu walking past me, and I looked at you as if in a dream, it's in the middle of a working day and I stel furitive glances at your direction. You don't notice me. But everytime I walk past you I look in the general direction and I know that you have no clue that you are my shadow. I see you stand near me, lean towards me and I close my eyes not sure whether all my thoughts arereflecting on my face.
You are right there in front of me talking to someone else, I see your lips move, I see you sit and get up and I know you are my shadow.
I don't know how this has come to be and all of sudden ithout thinking your face flashes in front of my eyes even when I am not thinking of you at all.
Who are you? Tormenting me? Maing me crave?
A shadow runs just outside the line of sight. When I try to concentrate and catch a glimpse of it, it doesn't fleet, stays still. I try to guess the shape of the shadow. The shadow reminds me of someone, and I wonder if I am making a mistake. I ask myself time and again whether my mind is playing tricks on me. The answer is a resounding NO. I see you everywhere, whenever I forget to look for the shadow, I see you. It is not as if the shadow is hiding from me but it is there beside me walking with me. I know it is a surprise that you should cros my thoughts so many times. Someone who I didn't know even a few days. What does this mean? I am nt sure.
I saw yu walking past me, and I looked at you as if in a dream, it's in the middle of a working day and I stel furitive glances at your direction. You don't notice me. But everytime I walk past you I look in the general direction and I know that you have no clue that you are my shadow. I see you stand near me, lean towards me and I close my eyes not sure whether all my thoughts arereflecting on my face.
You are right there in front of me talking to someone else, I see your lips move, I see you sit and get up and I know you are my shadow.
I don't know how this has come to be and all of sudden ithout thinking your face flashes in front of my eyes even when I am not thinking of you at all.
Who are you? Tormenting me? Maing me crave?
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