I am all out of Faith

Suddenly the rules have changed.
The perfect blue sky is grey,
Am I so late?
I'm already gone too fa to bring back
Edged out of my life-
Standing on the side
Plunging deeply into the boiling red.

The words aren't more meaningful
Across the glipmses of your face.
All i read is no more pain.
Yet the rain scalded only the skin,
No, it could not wash away tears.
Clouds of grey fogs my sight.

Where have all the lights gone?
Life's darker than usual-
When have they left the Black?
Life's forgotten other colors-
What have i done to deserve this?
Life's gotten Unfair-

The rules of the game have changed,
Rules of the older game-
Which I played and won,
Why has all that changed?
So, many times did I cheat life in my dreams-
Now love has found the loaded die
And each hand it wins
I lose; and wait my turn.
When is my Turn?

I'm all out of FAITH.

4:56 PM 16-09-2008

There are the worst kind of associations
and affinities, and then there are the
really worse kinds.
Ok, I think I have started off on the wrong
foot.
And no one has a clue about what I am
speaking.
I started speaking to this man, and then
there was a connection, let's call the
connection a sort of affinity.
We found taht we had an affinity towards
passion, and so we talked and talked and
continued exploring the myths and realities
of the same. Yet, there were times we both
failed to underastand where we were getting
swept into, it wasn't a very nice place.
We wanted to spend time together and that
wasn't possible because of the distance,
but our passion grew and pulled us towards
each other. Everday the conversations moved
us from the world we inhabited into a world
that was somewhere between this reality and
the reality we sought.
And then the unthinkable happened. By soem
trick of fate or some lacunae in physics,
the reality and unreality met, I led a Dual
life, one where I live and write this
journal and the other where I am truly
happy, in my complex web of images,
feelings and emotions.
I am going to take you on that journey.

Atrocious Customer Service

Last weekend we visited the lounge bar in The Stadel. There we met with the most atrocious customer service ever. The valet at parking parked our vehicle, when we were ordering drinks we found that one of our Cell Phone had been left behind in the car. When we asked the valet to bring back the car he offered us to get our cellphone from the car itself.

After about 10 mins he returned empty handed.

The manager there refused to believe that our plight was solely the result of unethical behavior of the valet. After many a threats and a huge brawl, we left for the nearest Police Station to lodge a complaint.

10 mins into the drive we received a call informing us that the Cell phone had been found. When we rushed back to collect it we were told that it was our fault as we had dropped it at the parking site, which seemed an unbelievable accusation because at no point were we allowed to go to the parking area.

Such service from a top of the line lounge was shocking what was worse was the absolute denial of any help towards us from the management, who did not do anything to control the situation rather they provided lip service for sometime hoping we would leave and never return.

There is a smelly rat in the way the cell phone turned up immidiately after we left. It seems quite possible that there is a vicious circle working here. Where the phone is reported missing and the lifter offers the phone back after sometime, to the owner in return for some Cash.

It was a shocking experience and it left us wondering how safe are our belongings in the Valet parkings all around this city which hires cheap and un-ethical people for their services.

As they said you throw peanuts and you will only get monkeys.

25th July 2008

I am not an economist.

Yes, everyday I am travelling by Public transport and I found in comparison to 2001 the ticket prices have rocketed. My income has simultaneously gone for an exponential growth, primarily because I have a job for the last 2 years.

In the year 2001 I went to school and came back via public buses, the round trip cost me Rs. 3/- and today one way trip on the similar Bus costs Rs. 6/-

Once a girl shared with me a story that reminded me how stark the differences in economy we see all around, and yet have become so used to seeing it, we hardly ever react.

There is a bamboo bridge that lies across a narrow canal, To cross it you have to pay 25 paise, I am not even sure till I heard the story and crossed the bridge myself that 25 paise still existed. She met a Rickshaw Puller one day who told her that he left his vehicle on the other side because taking it across meant paying 50 paise extra. She said that it is on that day that she realised the value of 50 paise.

There is a Puchkawala who sells his fare on the way to my home; I wondered again how much money does he make everyday. We sometimes argue and pester them for extras.

How lowly do we stoop sometimes!?

There is always more to life, everyday I walk as advised by a friend on my way home from work, and with the music playing in my ears I thought of these things.

As I said before, I am not an economist.

Weight Loss

Terrifying! that is the only word that comes to mind when reading Upamanyu Chatterjee's (UC) Weight Loss.

It is filled with Sex, and in a grotesquely un-funny way which leaves your stomach spinning like on a ride lurching up the runway ready to descend with a rush to the bottom. The rush and the excitement do not come nor does a release come from the fetters of a very bad hashed up case of a paedophile writng his fantasy of the blatantly improbable sex-starved kid.

As he grows into his adulthood he starts experimenting with his sexuality, strangely he is not even sure what he wants. And the poor reader is left perplexed, where is this going, the debauched son moves through the bleak world looking at life as one big orgy.

English August may have been a revelation but Weight loss is a complete lost case and cause.

There is no sense of direction and one is left wondering what the writer thought when he portrayed this character. Augastya may have had his confusions and disillusionment, he did not and need not have given excuse for his exercising or jogging, or his more adventurous activities.

But Bhola moves beyond that, becoming almost immune to any questioning by anybody, his adventures slowly leave his old diary and become real, leaving one wondering how much leeway has the author taken to frame this world of fantasy.

The book is unsettling and leaves one freaking out at the thought of young men in odd shape of Bhola.

It is by far the worst book I have ever read.

LATEST TO WHAT AM SHAKIN!!

Aye Paapi
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvL-4jSM9_Y

Pappu Can't Dance Saala
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ox_HqsWbjuI

Milo na Milo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Yjb0nMCmPg

Check out the Youtube Links and Enjoy!!

[Tried uploading the videos but it was taking ages!!]

Jaane tu ya Jaane Na ... was amazing... in comparison Kismat Konnection went Kaput! only thing watchable was Sahid.. n loved his wardrobe, he ought to lend his designer to Madame' Vidya, she looked aged, and plumpy....

Love Story 2050 gave it a pass wud watch Hrithik y c a copy cat?

Original's best!

Sat night Party Rocked... Danced like crazzzy... and mah frnd was too sweet to gt d house DJ to play Pappu Can't Dance my fav currently.. That song jus gets my feet moving like Kabhi kabhi Aditi always brings a smile to my face...

Scooby at Office decided to make a Ringtone out of that Futuristic Sound in Milo na Milo .. dats wat gt me Hooked to it....
Ahem! bt didnt make two bones abt makin fun abt her all the time till she finally changed it...

I can be such a Bitch sometimes!

The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.

Reading has borne a certain kind of pleasure for me. It has the capacity to pull me out of depression. Books have lost their charm t most people. So, when I splurge 3000 bucks on books, serveral eyebrows are raised, thankfully the archness of the browline to me does not matter.

I have been attempting to diversify just as my work life seems to be on a verge to bifurcate itself, into experimenting with literature.

Karen Rose is a Best seller author about whom I had simply no idea. Realising this I have researched a few International Best Seller Lists like from Herald Tribune and The Times and found 2 authors that I am reading currently.

More on both later.

Recently an article in Graphitti a Sunday suppliment Magazine, spoke about new breeds of Indian writers. I have always had a special liking for Indians writing in English right from Anita Desai to Upamanyu Chatterjee. Yet to have become comepletely oblivious of the literary scene was too much of a shock. Corporate has finally started to immunise me from the Arts of which I was such a proud associator.

As I walked around the Big Book Store I realised how much I had to catch up.

So, an update or two may come this way about books.

However, the reason to have given this the Title .... was less than intriguing, because, I realised unlike a dear friend of mine who has a photographic memory with the capacity to retain whole paragraphs of book he reads, I am terribly short on memory, sometimes gropping even to connect the Title with the Author.

For Eg: I babbled at the Book store about Ken Kesey without being able to say "One flew over the Cuckoo's Nest".

Terrible!

Till I blog in again... I have read Karen's Thriller Die For ME! and 2 of Dean Koontz's Life Expectancy, which was preceeded by Life of PI and Kite Runner....

The combination has been lethal... now am delving into Weight Loss by Upamanyu Chatterjee, and feeling SICK.

8th July, 2008

When there is this utmost desire to find the end which has long gone past, it amazes me how many times we are foolish to go back to find that long lost pain, only as if in desire to feel it once more.

Yet there must be an explanation, whatever science may or may not have discovered, for why we behave so irrationally.

Confusion seems to chase the mental peace so elusive, where you find rest, and all of sudden the same doubts rise back to the surface and haunt you. When you know all you have to do is hold out your hand, or just wait a lil longer, yet all you can think off is whether this is right.

Sometimes, you may not have time for other people in your life, to clearly know yet want to be a part of some one's life, is a whole lot of confusion. At a point in our lives, we perhaps make a smart choice of the head not to pursue aimlessly and stabilize our dreams to concrete evidences of maturity and fulfillment. Yet somewhere in a closed recess of our heart remains that desire of un achieved closeness with that somebody, where lay no hope or joy or happiness.

Happiness is an over-rated object pursued by mankind, in realms that are obviously filled with tracts of pain and remorse. Such are the paths of relationships, and success that has been met can be short - lived, or hard earned. For those who do not wish to fight a constant battle between the self and the object we desire, somewhere you must give up either the self or the Object.

Having given up the object, the course meanders through worse lanes and by-lanes of both memory that has Putrefied into something un- recognisable, or into hate, which may or may not last long enough to see you free from the burdens and shackles that tied you to the object.

Slipping on the murky shallows, of doubt and loneliness, you may find yourself walking or at least trying to trace back the connection broken, but to try is to become even more aware of the emptiness deep within, which cannot and will not be filled by any means.

A story resounds in my mind, of an old man and a young man comparing their Hearts, whereas the young heart was red, shapely, beautiful, the old heart had chunks missing, different shades of red, and ungainly in shape. The flaunting of the Perfect Heart of the youngster made the Old man explain...

" The discolored portions are pieces of heart that others have given to me, They may not fit, cause the shape or amount that I gave to them, were not returned in kind, the missing chunks are portions of my heart that I gave away, and did not get back anything in return, but I am happy for a heart is for loving, for it is to be given without the expectation of an exchange."

The heart is not perhaps one... there is a lot of heart in some people to give away , and may be that is a blessing. For to believe that there is just one heart we would limit our capacity to love. But it is important to understand and believe that some may not have similar capacity (or frailer capacity) to love.

And there may be it is best not to INVEST.

Immortal - Evanescance

I'm so tired of being here.
Suppressed by all my childhood fears.
And if you have to leave,
I wish that you would just leave.
Cause your presence still lingers here,
and it won't leave me alone.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
But you still have...
All of me.
You used to captivate me by your resonating mind,
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind.
Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams
Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me.
These wounds won't seem to heal,
this pain is just too real,
there's just too much that time cannot erase.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
But you still have...
All of me.
I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone.
But though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along.
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears,
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears.
I held your hand through all of these years.
But you still have...

love, marriage, books

We were talking y'day about writing letters. You have no idea how much i love writing letters and it gives me immense pleasure to write.


Y'day we had discussed to major issues, one about reading and second about love and marriage.

It is your observation about people reading too much that made me think. I wonder whether some part of my high expectation from life, stems from this belief that we deserve more. But again i may also argue that unless we expect more from life, the drive required to move in this world will be lost. However, the understanding of the difference between "expectation" as a motivational force and one as depressing has to be there. As motivation we must be driven to better things and goals, yet on achieving, or receiving something in life, the expectations should not get in the way of appreciating or being thankful for our gifts.

Secondly, when you talk about marriage and to be specific an arranged marriage , i can only say one thing, it is your ability to accept the concept which in many ways stems from your upbringing, and peers. This difference, that i have from you, is what prevents me from being so optimistic. All around me, I have seen people, from my own parents to my siblings who have had a love marriage, thus, to me it is a scary proposition to go into something unknown, there is no reference, or place from where i can get any ideas, suggestions, or more simply learn.

I hope somewhere i can find it in my dealings to love a person not in the simplistic way .. that is love. Perhaps a greater amount of understanding an empathy is required to be able to love a man who i do not know that well.

I remember reading a book called Midnight's children where there is a point, where a woman falls in love with her husband, one body part at a time. It may sound crazy but to me it somehow made sense. When we fall in love we are taken up or bold over by the confidence, looks, intelligence and all that of the other person. But when you are married to someone and you see that person everyday, and slowly he grows on you.

I don't know whether any of what i said made any sense. Or may be you got terribly bored.

Everybody's Free
to wear sunscreen)
Mary Schmich
Chicago Tribune


Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.


Sing.
Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.


Floss.
Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.


Stretch.
Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.


Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

What's on your mind?

Whatever that is... don't worry coz life can't be worse than your worse fears. Stop freaking out ... Future's too damn mysterious .. to take a guess at, so, don't guess, let it be.... let it happen to u .. if u don't like it . change it.. but what's the point of worrying when it's like trying to solve a algebra problem by chewing bubble gum... there's no end to worry.

Life's cool... take it like cricketer's take their profession in India... one ride.. sometimes ur a hero .. top of the world... next game ur out for a duck, or floor a sitter from d best bat of the rivals.. they'll burn ur effigy, call for ur downfall.. but u got to know the truth.. u ain't changing coz it's not worth changing to suit what other's like coz.. simultaneously u can't make everyone happy ...

Remember: Being a good person is like being a goal keeper.. no matter how many you save, people will remember only the one's you missed.

Be the Devil and reign in HELL....rather than be a slave in Heaven....

ARO EKBAR - FOSSILS

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Ekla Ghar - Fossils

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Hasnuhana - Fossils

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The Pattern

FINDING WHAT IS LOST IS AN EFFORT AND SOMETIMES WHAT IS MORE IMPORTANT IS THE REALISATION THAT WHAT IS LOST IS GONE FOREVER AND IT IS A FOOL'S SEARCH TO PERSUE A MIRAGE IN THE LOST DESERT.

Imagine that you are walking through a desert, desolate, and the sun beating down on you, and the only thing on your mind is walking on and on towards that mirage taht you seek, and in your deluded mind, find it dificult to belive that it is an unreachable object that you seek.

The walk across the burning sand does not hurt your feet , or perhaps you imagine the pain to be (mistakenly) from your pining heart that finds itself drawn to that mirage in front of you.

But when you reach that one place which seemed to hold all that you want you find a empty stretch of golden sand stinging your eyes, or may be its the tears streaming down your face.

Life teaches us leassons, some of us refuse to learn it, some ignore it, but you may choose to ignore it but there is the truth in all that we see, everything aorund us forms a pattern wemay try to beat it, change it, whatever we may do there is the pattern in our failure and in our success....
and this pattern follows us from our Birth to our Death.