"You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling"

someone once told me that after a certain age you cannot really feel the same kind of emotions about another person, which we associate with being in love, when we do fall in love for the very first time. today as i sat across a dinner table and in the passenger seat of a car i kept thinking about how i have changed over the years. i may sound disillusioned, but i am not. i just started to feel strangely bored of all the happenings. there was no subtext in my words, there was no parallel conversation in my head, i said and did what I felt like.

i didn't feel the need to hug you, nor to hold your hand when we crossed the road, the music on the car stereo had no special meaning. i wasn't shying away from touching you, i wasn't worried about saying something intelligent, entertaining or worse dumb.

as u went on gushing about other women you hardly knew, except seeing their photographs, who did not stay awake to listen to your student life's stories and events, who didn't know which may be your favorite restaurant,  who didn't know about your crazy ideas, who did not laugh with you at 2 AM, who did cry for you when you were at rock bottom, who don't think whether you have had your dinner, whose hearts don't melt everytime you smile and eyes twinkle, who don't have to change the phone wall paper everytime they meet u. i wished I wasn't the one to wake up and go to sleep with your thought.

for one tiny moment i let my mind slip just when i had slapped u mockingly a few times, for a tiny moment i wished to let my palm remain where they were for a few more seconds.

but the fact hits me now, u don't like me.

you never will.

you are just not into me.

i fought with you today and between the tears i wanted to say, "how can u do this to me, i like u so much.?" but i didn't. thank god i didn't.

i tried to look into ur eyes, only found, sarcasm, mockery, intelligence, cleverness, honesty, attitude, smartness, logic and no love. i will have no trouble looking into your eyes now, because i know there is no love for me, no feelings for me.

i owe u a lot and that's all there is to it. i owe u a lot of help, faith, belief for standing by me. i owe it to my feelings for u my new found peaceful professional life. sometimes i shudder to think had i not felt drawn to u would i hv taken the hard decision to quit and come here? i think i wouldn't have.

i didn't want to write so much.

all i wanted to say was, i know u don't love me and never will, it makes me feel so empty yet at least now i can put this upto age, where it is no longer possible to love someone with abandon anymore and not want anything.

u r right, when u say u r an eligible bachelor. come to think about it, u have got ur valuation correct, the education, the profession, everything, and i guess my worth just falls short compared to everyone else u want to be with. i just wish u wouldn't say it all the time, every time. and yes i love to color my nails with neon nail paint, wear purple sunglasses or carry animal print stoles, but that's who I AM. that does not make me a wannabe.

i have lied to, avoided, ignored friends because you obsess with them, i wanted to spent one special day with u and when it seemed impossible i hoped at least the presence of a crowd of people would make me feel better, but now, i just want to be alone.

it will probably cost me a few more friends, and some loss of face but my heart is crushed and so is my courage. i can no longer be brave.

and i am sure u will find something to mock in this too.

but it doesn't matter something inside me has just grown old.

"You've Lost That Lovin' Feeling"