For one more chance

Ekbar bol tor keu neyi, keu neyi ;(

The world is such a small place, your story came back to me in someone else's words across a dinner table. How is it possible the same person I shared my pain with, has actually met you somewhere in this lifetime, and sat with you across a table shared food and drink, the same time when I knew you and you were so full of life. It was simultaneously such a relief & so much of pain to know that there are others who think about you and miss you, may be the reason such a revelation comes to me now because somewhere you know how everytime my mind is away from all the rigors of life I think of you. I sat across the dinner table and wondered and said it aloud for the first time 

• Why I really feel so guilty?
• Why I feel so angry? 
• Why can't I mourn you? 
• Why do I have to define my relationship with you before I can cry for you? 
• Why someone you loved so much can just move on and have a happy life? 
• Why must I be left to find my eyes full of tears in the middle of a conversation?
• Why must you not be here?

To say it out loud, why even a trip to the place where you stood, why dedications, why shutting out the thoughts, does not wear away the guilt, makes me realize how much I miss you. I hope you are at peace wherever you are.

It is a simple wish yet so impossible, so impractical, so silly. But I promise I will meet you everytime you call, I will never call you shallow, I will never stop talking to you, just come back to me somehow, in this lifetime or the next, just let me make up for everything, just let me be honest with you once and fulfill those little dreams you shared. Let me be a better friend than I was "Rghy", your PRC misses you still, every time the smell of new books or old floats in the air, when Mohonbagan and East Bengal matches are played, passes your favorite restaurant  and there is no one who understands that.