Choix, Scelte, Choices, Roghanna

" You know what your problem is? You have too many options in your life. You are always moving from one to the other never making up your mind."

Blissfully nonchalant to any & all advice skipping through life's not so nice episodes, wiping from memory all that did not go as planned, creating boxes of memories that could haunt & stashing them in storage and successfully losing the keys, there I was moving through life in a delusion of satisfaction of having snipped all the lose threads & letting go off all regrets, & then Life came right back & punched me in the face.

So here I am clacking at the keyboard & ranting my thoughts.

There comes a time in everyone's life when we hope to have choices, as far back as I can remember he had been the blessed child always having choices, never coerced into anything by anyone, always independent, read - Allowed to make my own mistakes & never learning from them.

In my last few months of graduation a choice of a MBA or a PG came along, I chose. I became cocky & over confident with always having an option & a choice. So I kept choosing sometimes badly. So now when I sit in my office & wish I could do something else I know it was a choice I made. May be that's what is wrong with this line of thought, had I no choice may be I wouldn't have any regrets......

Every time I come close to giving up & returning to boring reality the melodramatic life I day dreamed for years catches up & I flow with it, just can't seem to give up on the adrenalin rush of finding new choices ... new things to try ....

I make cupboards where I stash Blue checked shirts but they get out, the red t-shirts keep sneaking up on me, the "suit up" remarks haunt me, the black espresso keeps pouring, the school buddy makes a comeback as a friend who you can't refuse, the recluse & boring one turns into a butterfly & dazzles my eyes, a silly billy billy you ignore makes the oddest statements of depth that boggles you mind, your adult life's major crush says they like you ... & then everyone expects me to just be normal & decide.

How the hell does a person decide?

Who can survive this serious need for sanity. I seem to be doing fairly well, I am just so lucky to have had so many adventures and come out of them with my life, may be with a broken and bruised heart, but at least with some satisfaction that all this is so going into my autobiography. I tell my friend you have such a dramatic life, but OH dear lord if anyone decided to have a conference of who knows this girl they might just find out what a roller coaster life I have had.

Well unfortunately it's not been all fun, I have screwed up few times & a few lives. Someone said men regret the women they don't have relations with & women regret the men they have a relationship with. I think I can say it safely not always true .. sometimes myopic folks miss the most obvious things like whose into you & whose not.
Since I am such a movie buff, I can't help stating they ought to have made that movie years ago... "He's just that not into you .." etc.

I am ranting today cause I just found that our stupid melodramatic, insanely ridiculously movie script words can haunt a person & ruin their lives. Am I saying I did not know that words had power? Not exactly. We are mostly concentrating on what is hurting us & not really matured to see what our words are doing? Hell they are like tiny daggers which apparently we have been throwing at folks who, & I quote " Love Us" doing what would only seem like a bad case of Target Practice.. anyone else thinking of Jai Baba Felunath... & Lalmohan Ganguly pinned to the board in fear...!!

I tried writing with Beatles playing in the background, mind totally went to a strumming guiter at midnight, then to long conversation on the road, then to bitter sweet confessions & realisations .... so I have turned that off. I am listening to Himesh Reshamiya - Ahista Ahista....

Gathering my stray thoughts ....

I seem to be doing perfectly ok, mostly repeating the lyrics of Comfortably numb from pink floyd & hoping to god I never learn how to shoot or Hand guns become availble in the free market here. I read Rage by Stephen King wriiting as Bachman, & shudder as the images of the School corridor metamorphose into the reception of an office building, I wake up before it becomes a nightmare. Then I wonder what someone says "explainations without belief are excuses" or "Am I surviving or living" I put the pros & cons on the yellow legal pad & cross out everything to start from scratch ....


There were these events which are so tightly packed back to back & all 'cause everything came with choices & options,& I couldn't just chose without finding what lay behind the Door No. X.. I moved around the Mansion running through the floors never realising how life moved past outside & so did everyone, I simply forgot that this was a dream & where was the Exit.. call this my Inception Hangover.
The events are all stashed somewhere & foolishly when life confronts me with on of the characters from my soap opera of life I jump into the scene with no homework & no history, & then I sit & unravel the history to find the sad truths.

It's a been a decade in this dream maze & I thought A trip to the desert & back to purge me of the Ghost of Barney "RGhy" Stenson... people visit Ganga I went the opposite way... to dig up a cornor of that desert & ditch the guilt, to stand in front of the fort & hope that crossing the space time continuum somehow someone knows how sorry I am.

I think now I can come back to reality where the top stops spinning....!! But I have forgotten the password.

Every time I steel myself & think I am walking out of the mess of a decade - the infamous 20's - I am faced my a ghost from the decade gone past & I remember I can't out run my past however fiercly I try to lock it up & throw away the keys, it always slips out ...! So I just think its best to give up 'cause no way in hell is this going to fall in place..

But the mind is a funny machine it dreams up other realities & deja vu it becomes a reality, I get what I wish for only I don't like it now.. That's the fundamental problem of choosing between options. We choose something from the menu & are told it is not availble & it isn't going to be available ever, out of stock, so we settle for something else, & bam!! it's back on the market & hell now you can't have it, or if you are a spendthrift like me.. you end up with both, & realise you don't want one of them & just because life is so perfect it's the one you don't want that lasts, & the one you wanted just vaporises.

When you least expect it Barney "Rghy" Stenson sneaks into my thoughts & I know there isn't any excuse or explaination for all that I have done, Except that it was all my fault. So there, after all the rambling... the few nuggets of psychobabble..

• You chose & hope that its the right choice
• When you chose it isnt a bad / good choice, only when the consequences surface you know what you have done.
• You are given options to test your skills like in CAT, there is always the desire to go for a few smart guesses but there is the negative marking.
• So, just when you think you have made the cut offs one nite's conversation can screw up your chances with the creme de la creme of the management students.
• You chose personal happiness over professional glory then realise it's your work that actually keeps you sane.
• Your head is so messed up from the levels of dreams you have created that at the same time, Blue cheked shirt, Silly hilly Billy, Ghosts of decade past haunt your reality or dream, wait; you don't know which because you have again chosen to forget.
• You hope in vain Shoes, Perfumes & gadgets will lull into believing this is the reality you have & not what you left 10 years back in front of the optician store. Does it really begin there?
  

Saving .......